What if God was a Vegan?

Being the first born son is never what it is cracked up to be. As a first born child you become a sort of “crash test dummy” on which your parents can create techniques on how to create and correctly raise a human being. So needless to say being the first child of the first man and woman was about as smooth as the surface of an orange.

Cain was hardworking, and half decent, but once in competition for appreciation and affection with his bother he became as sour as a lemon.
Abel was always such a prat, and always out-shone by him. His brother was also the better looking one, who looked like a golden haired angel with piercing green eyes that look like fresh limes that had been cut in half.
Playing favourites with your parents is hard enough, but this goes to a whole higher level.
God.

Trying to make up for your parents mistakes isn’t what one might call a bushel of apples, but they tried their hardest.
Cain cared lovingly for his crops, growing succulent fruit and vegetables of such quality that you have never seen the likes of, all with the soft touch of his green thumb.
His not quite so capable brother, Able, took care of the live stock. Not that it was all that difficult; they practically took care of themselves.
The truth is, Cain could have just as easily done so, but he didn’t approve of what happened to the beasts once they came of age. They were brutally slaughtered upon and alter for the pleasure of God. They had there guts ripped out and their blood was spilt.
Then the less important of the animals were eaten but the family, however, Cain refused to follow in their foot steps. Deep down he felt that taking another’s life in order for his life to carry on was wrong. It also wasn’t necessary, for he provided an alternative that was just as nice, if not better. Yet, although Cain provided what he felt was the better option, Able was still favoured above him. Abel was the soft sweet flesh of the cherry and he was but the pip.

So Cain confronted God.

“God, where are you? GOD! Has any one seen God?” Cain question as he searched for any sign of him.
Abel stuck his head out and frowned at him “Do you mind!? I’m trying to get some sleep!”
“Oh Abel, I’m so glad I found you! I just wanted to ask if you knew where God is.”
“Am I my Lords keeper?” Snarled Abel and he stormed off, and Cain continued his search. He began to worry, what if God had abandoned them? How could they continue living without him? Was that even possible?
His head began swimming with ideas, so much so that he didn’t realise that he was about to run into a branch of an apple tree.
“OH GOD!” he cried out in agony.
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” chanted God as he strolled around the corner.
“Oh, it’s you! Look, I just wanted to ask your opinion on something...”
“Shoot” replied God.
“Look, it’s just that… I don’t think its right to kill animals… I mean, I know that we need protein and all of that, but it’s not like you can’t get that from using other… um… less violent methods”

What if God was a Vegan?

“Well I’m a pretty open dude, and I’d like to hear your suggestions, which of coarse I like nothing better to do than listen to, so continue.” said God casually as he leaned against the tree trunk.
“Well it is my belief that we would be able to survive on fruit and vegetables alone, and instead of slaughtering the animals we could in harmony with them.”
“You know what…” said God with a blank expression on his face, “I think your right! From here on out, God is a vegan!”

From that day forward things changed for Cain, he prospered, and was favoured higher than all others by God, and as God was a bit of a trend setter in his day people copied what he did and they all, except for Abel, became vegans.
This did not sit well with Abel; he didn’t like not being favoured. He also hated vegetables. He had become a bustle sprout amongst strawberries.
Animal rights groups started popping up everywhere and he couldn’t even where leather in public anymore with out having red paint thrown at him.
He wasn’t going to stand for it any more. He came up with a cunning plan.

Abel approached God with his most dazzling of smiles and his beautiful eyes glinting in the sunlight. Or was it madness?
“Yo, what up God!?”
“Nothing much, just chillin’” replied God.
“Nice… look, don’t you miss meat? I mean this whole fad has been nice for a while, but surely you must be over it!” Stated Abel
“No way man! I have connected to my furry little brethren on a whole new level! I could never eat meat again! Plus, all the chicks dig dudes who like animals…”
Abel began to feel hatred towards him pumping through his veins. I mean who is He to dictate what his people should do?
“Are you sure you wouldn’t just like a nice big juicy stake? Just one more?” croaked Abel.
God just sat there staring blankly for a moment and then smiled.
“Mmm… for old times sake” said God as he picked up an axe off the ground near to where he was standing and Abel started smiling even more wildly.
God took that axe and swung it behind his shoulder and then chopped off Abel’s head. He then mounted Abel’s body onto a spit and cooked him.

“Ooh! What’s that?” inquired Cain as he marched around the corner following the wafting smell.
“It’s delicious!” exclaimed God
“But that poor animal had to die…”
“Oh don’t worry about that, go on, have a bite…” tempted God.
Cain took a big bite out of his brothers flesh and said “Mmm! That’s delicious! It tastes just like apple!”

By Jessica Crawford